Mani and Marty's Alternative Christmas Songbook for the Seasonally Challenged

Sing along with us!    

Oh Little Town of Big Box Stores

(to the tune of "Oh Little Town of Bethlehem")

Oh little town of big box stores

How festive is your gift wrap

We have our Christmas shopping lists

And we will buy your crap.

We know it came from China

But we like prices cheap.

Home Depot, Target and Wal-mart

You lure us in like sheep.

Our nickles, dimes and dollars

Are gathered up with love

All mortals know retailers keep

Sharp watch in mirrors above.

They gather all together

Each claiming with great mirth.

"We know you can't resist our crap,

We have the best on earth."

How glittery, enchantingly

Your stores are trimmed and lit.

Our charge cards from our hands will part

We don't know when to quit.

Xbox games, toys and Barbies

Into our carts will go.

Then on to the next parking lot

With Grams and Mom in tow.

Oh little town of big box stores

Your children kneel and pray

For inconsequential tacky crap

We buy for them today

We hear their whines and pleading

Encouraged by ads they see.

No food, no rent, but what the heck

There's gifts beneath the tree.

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Christmas in New York

 (to the tune of The Christmas Song/"Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire")

Chestnuts reeking from a sidewalk cart

Bus fumes swirling up your nose

Carriage horses pooping by Central Park

And brown snow squishing 'neath your toes.

Everybody knows dead pigeons and some roadkill squirrels

Help enhance the season's blight

Homeless addicts with their eyes all aglow

May mug you on the street tonight.

They know Mike Bloomberg's here to stay

There'll be another rate increase on MTA

And every cabbie's gonna try

To get his green card by the 15th of July.

And so for those of you in NYC

Who missed their shot for the swine flu,

Wear a mask and a gun, keep safe and have fun

And bah humbug to yoooouuuu!

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A Facebook Christmas

(more or less to the tune of "Silver Bells")

Old school classmates, even first dates

We have hundreds of friends

They'll all be with us this year for Christmas.

Sharing photos as the fire glows

It's a holiday scene,

And in every chat corner you'll see.

Pokes and flings, links to things,

We're spending Christmas on Facebook.
Farmville grows while it snows

This is how we spend our days.

Comments and notes, events and videos

Keep us all at our screens

We should be wrapping our presents for Christmas

But the live feed grows as the monitor glows

We're all addicts you see

And on each Facebook profile you'll read

Updated posts, things we like most

We're so connected on Facebook

Ding-a-ling, my doorbell rings

I've a message in my inbox today.

LOLing, much misspelling

Playing Mafia Wars

Sharing gripes over Facebook's new changes.

Who needs Twitter midst the glitter

We have quizzes and gifts

And on all our fan pages you'll see.

Swapping tunes and cartoons

We're spending Christmas on Facebook

Time zips by, snowflakes fly

This is our new holiday.

Applications, group relations

Political raging on line

Has replaced all the holiday bustle.

Oh so softly and intensely

Silent night passes by

As rapt gazes fix on flickering screens.

Scream and shout, we're locked out!

Facebook is experiencing difficulties.

Rant and rave, just be brave

No Christmas on Facebook this year. :(

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Sally the Black-Thumbed Gardener

(to the tune of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"

You know compost and hoses

And sprinklers and weeders

Shovels and pruners

And loppers and kneelers

But gardeners can't grow

When the ground is covered with snow.

Sally, the black-thumbed gardener

Couldn't grow a single rose.

She only planted daisies

That she bought on sale at Lowe's.

All of the other gardeners

Used to laugh at all her weeds.

They didn't know that Sally

Couldn't grow a thing from seeds.

Then one frosty winter's night

Sally signed on line

Looking through the groups she found

Boards where gardeners hung around.

Now Sally grows prize tulips,

In the garden she's a queen.

Her friendly on line gardeners

Have turned Sally's black thumb green.

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